Fort Hood

In discussion of the horror at Ft. Hood, Texas yesterday, I would be remiss to not tell those who died, the survivors, the families and the loved ones who, all, will not be right again for a very long time that I am remorseful to the point of tears over their losses. 

But now, let us consider with stone-cold reasoning the military’s malfeasance preceeding yesterday’s massacre.  First, perhaps the U.S. Army (my alma mater) could explain why a hostile psychiatrist was allowed access to the most sensitive material possible from combat veterans when that man was suspected of writings supporting terrorist acts; a la Al Qaeda. 

At first blush, one could theorize that the Army didn’t know for sure that this newly promoted Major was in fact the one who was writing these anti-American blog articles.  But I have a problem with this “innocent until proven guilty” reasoning.  This is one of those situations when the Army SHOULD take extra precautions.  This doctor was publicly bad mouthing his own deployment to these ultra sensitive areas of the world and constantly arguing with his fellow G.I.s over the need for deployment.  The man even offered to pay the military back for his med school training so he wouldn’t have to deploy.  Why, oh why, was he not immediately yanked off duty by the Army brass?  And, for the record, who gives a hoot if the man was a Muslim or not; he was not fit for duty, regardless of his religion.   

Forgive me for some jaded thinking here but, if the Army is true to it’s M.O., they will hang one or two low ranking scapegoats and call the matter closed.  (Does anyone remember the preposterous Army cover-up of the 347 women, children and elderly villagers slaughtered at My Lai, Vietnam and the singular Lieutenant saddled with the whole affair?)

If, however, the families and survivors and dead victims have their say, we should demand to know why the Army, and the entire DOD for that matter, does not treat this business of PTSD seriously?  We should treat these delayed stress problems with the same sobriety we treat any classified document or any classified mission.  It’s utterly clear to me and countless other veterans that they have not done so (or the good doctor would have been banned or locked up long ago) and that this case is far from the only failure in our treatment of these excellent service men and women.

My god, is there nobody in the Pentagon who actually gets the notion of how massive the problem is AND has to power and vision to help these folks?  Many veterans, besides me, feared that these repeated deployments, coerced reinlistments, and the stupidly reasoned placement of National Guard troops on front line duty for massive amounts of time would ultimately and permanently damage not only our fighting ability but ironically deplete our ability to defend our homeland (that’s what the National Guard is supposed to do).  Does ANYONE seriously think we could handle a war in Korea right now?!

The Pentagon better wake up on this one.  Those of us fortunate enough to call ourselves civilians assumed the Pentagon WAS taking care of PTSD and the psychological, social and familial damage we’ve now allowed with these flippant deployments.  I’d like to see a fastidiously careful screening of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health counselors who are allowed access to these precious G.I.s. 

In the movie, “The Greatest Little Whorehouse in Texas”, the Governor of Texas sings a little dittie to remind us of how quickly authorities can bury important issues.  “I love to do a little side step”, go the lyrics.  No more side stepping, Mr. Secretary of Defense.  No more side stepping, Mr. President.  I have respected you both; now, show me my respect has not been in vain.

Why Are Americans So Dumb?

Today I was shocked almost beyond words to see that the new movie release, “G-Force”, was the number one box office draw in America.  Why are Americans so dumb?  This completely adolescent movie with plenty of off-color inuendo, to me is simply not worth seeing.  What kind of person would go to such a movie? 

Immediately I am reminded that I asked that same question when “Deuce Bigalow” hit the theatres.  Now, there’s a movie that’s clearly geared toward adolescents who are either not offended by the off-color nature of the dialogue or are simply ignorant of the fact that people my age think it’s off-color.  Where has all the morality in America gone?

Am I now too dreadfully old to appreciate the humor in today’s entertainment?  Or have we gone too far down the trail of rejecting the mores or our ancestors?  So, how to resolve it.  Is this movie fit for human consumption or not?  Will “G-Force” lead to the destruction of our civilization?

I suspect that many who spend the money to see “G-Force” will have a few good belly-laughs and enjoy the movie for what it is; a brief respite.  Maybe they’re not so much dumb as they are in need of something, anything, that’ll bring a smile to their face in today’s world. 

And, I’ll bet that some of those 10 or 12 million unemployed Americans whose unemployment benefits have dried up are there right now, watching “G-Force”.  Now that I think about it, I find myself saying “Hopefully, soon, we’ll have something more substantive to cheer you up, like maybe a job”.  Enjoy the show, folks.

A Red Neck Among Us

This week I lost a good friend.  No, he didn’t die.  He just irritated me to death so I yelled at him.  I hauled off and let him have it good.  I told him he was nothing more than a “Red Neck, Wannabe American”.  Translation, I’m a lot more liberal than he is.  The fact that he and I can both trace our American roots back hundreds of years did not even phase us.

This is what happens when two spirited people love their country but neither one of them really knows how to maturely discuss what we mean.  I’m sad for the loss of my friend.  No doubt he’s in a fine Irish temper; he did inform me that he fully expected such behavior from a bleep bleep liberal. So here we sit, each waiting for a full throated apology from the other.

That’s why I have hope for this Administration.  Mr. Obama is not going let us sit around hating each other.  He’s gonna make us do what we should have done a long time ago – stop shouting and start listening.

I’m sorry, Dave, for calling you a Red Neck.  I might not have meant it.

Hippies & Cops Are Never Around

Hippies are like Cops in a way.  There’s never one around when you need one. 

Growing up in the 60’s in a conservative, small town in the Southwest, I wondered about the Hippies and watched those Hippies on television protesting the war in Vietnam.  “Damned Hippies”, everyone said. 

Hippies were all over the news and were portrayed as long haired, immoral pot smoking punks who had no courage and were clearly unAmerican or else they’d be off in Vietnam fighting those “Damned Commies”.  “Get a haircut, you Hippie” became the subtle taunt we used on our friends. 

In the 70’s I watched the Hippies protesting the war in Vietnam – except in person, in uniform, in Washington, D.C.  I watched the Hippies as they got their heads bashed in by the Washington, D.C. Police and were beaten senseless by Marines.  The Police and the Marines and everyone in America, it seemed, had taken sides - whether they knew the issues or not.  We all had to take sides for to not do so was, well, unAmerican. 

But I was unsettlingly surprised when I discovered that the Hippies did have morals and they did have courage.  

They took a moral stand; that’s what Americans are supposed to do, isn’t it?.  The Hippies stood up and said quite loudly, “Enough.  No More War!”  That’s a moral stand and believe me it took a lot of courage to confront the vociferous partisans who backed the war – no matter what. 

The Hippies had more courage than one so called “veteran” I know.  He had plenty of opportunity to go to Vietnam but never even went overseas.  The thing about this coward was that when he came into the power he sent hundreds of thousands of Americans off to war with no thought about danger to them – for he has always run at the first sign of danger.  His name is George W. Bush. 

Deja Vu, America.  Anyone who protests the war in Iraq now is portrayed as a long haired, immoral pot smoking punk who has no courage and is clearly unAmerican or else they’d be off in Iraq fighting those “Damned Terrorists”.  Sound familiar? 

I’m thankful the Hippies didn’t turn out to be like George W. Bush or we’d still be in Vietnam.  I listen to the cowardly talk show hosts like Glenn Beck and Michael Savage advocating the murder of Americans with whom they disagree and I wonder, where’s a Hippie when you need one?

FUNTOBER, the 13th Month

My friends, I beg you to consider an idea of mine that could save our planet.  I would like to create just one more month; a 13th Month.  I propose creation of FUNTOBER (fun-TOE-bur).  December 26th through December 31st now become the best 6 days of the year. 

Here’s how it works.  By taking the wretched, windblown, depressing, grey, and utterly dismal last week of December to create our new month, Funtober, we will help the world in ways you and I cannot yet imagine.  It would require an act of Congress, to be sure, but it could well be the smartest thing they’ve done in 10 years; sorry, make that 50 years.

• First, we get to play with all the cool stuff we got from Christmas,
• Second, there’ll be no need to rush back to the stores on December 26th.  Hey, you now have an entire month before New Years to return those useless Christmas gifts.  Voila! 
• Third, suicides will plummet because there won’t be any depressing week after Christmas in which to get depressed.  (Are you beginning to feel the magic here?)
• Fourth, it’ll take the heat off my poor friends who don’t celebrate Christmas.  During the Christmas Celebrations they’ll be shopping for the upcoming Funtober Celebrations, celebrated all across the world. 
• And who, then, could overlook the financial impact of these added shoppers on the American Economy, eh?

Frequently Asked Questions About Funtober:

1. “How will you pay for Funtober, Congresswoman?”  Congressional Answer: “I give you my word that Congress will generate a wonderful tax rebate stimulus every Funtober, not just for this generation of Americans but for our children and our children’s children.” 
2. “Who will do all the hard work during Funtober, Congressman?”  Congressional Answer:  “Well, nobody, duh…” 
3. “Won’t people be let down at the end of Funtober, Madame Speaker?”  Congressional Answer: “When we celebrate the end of Funtober on New Year’s Eve, nobody will even notice.  Trust me.” 

So, there you have it.  Even Congress will approve of Funtober.  I mean, when you consider all the Bills that pass through Congress now, how much crazier is this one?  I hope you have a happy Funtober this year.

Cindy Crawford for Vice President

Today, my fellow Americans, I am asking for your help in this vital election.  Today we finally have the most wonderful opportunity to cast our vote for a fellow American who has it all; Cindy Crawford.  I can’t wait to tell you of her qualifications for the office of Vice President.

First, there is her line of cosmetics.  If you’ve tried them, I don’t even have to tell you how life changing having perfect skin can be.  The endorsement of Dorothy Hamil, an Olympic Gold Medalist, and that really pretty Spanish actress lady is plenty of proof for my money that this stuff really works.

Second, Cindy has traveled a lot.  San Tropez, Antigua, Tuscany, Cancun, you name it and Cindy has been there soliciting funds for what I’m sure is a more scientific approach to perfect skin.  So you see, she’s all over the science thing and best of all, she’s already used to VIP treatment that an American VP would get.  They even have the same 2 letters, V and P. 

Lastly, Cindy is really pretty and she probably has a gun somewhere on one of her ranches.  And why wouldn’t she have a ranch?  Julia Roberts has a ranch you know. 

Come on, America.  Do the right thing.  Elect this really pretty woman.  It’ll all be okay.

American Dumbbells

Of the many characters I’ve created for stories, perhaps my favorite characters were a couple of dumbbells named Francois and Marguerite.  They were metallic dumbbells, not human.

Francois and Marguerite were used every day by the Circus Strong Man but he also had some fancy rowing machines and computerized treadmills.  When the Circus had to suddenly relocate, the Strong Man was forced to decide which equipment he would keep and which he would leave behind.  He chose to keep Francois and Marguerite, for their simplicity. 

This year, while we dig out from this avalanche of war, real estate collapse, inflation, and urban violence wondering what has happened to America, we need to go back to simpler times.  We need to reexamine our past and focus on perhaps the most rudimentary concept of our government, to reconsider who we really are and how we got so far afield from our ancestral dreams.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”  Now watch this next section. 

“That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed…” 

Like the Strong Man, we need to recall what is really important.  We need to remember that we do not exist to serve our government.  Rather, the American Government exists because we allow it to exist and it exists to help and protect you and me and our families.  Remember, won’t you, where the power of our God-given rights was intended to reside – with us, the citizens.  

So this year let’s vote, you and I – encourage others to vote – raise our concerns - debate right versus wrong – fight for righteousness - insist that those whom we elect actually listen to us about unjust judges, the environment, the economy - and put up a squak at the town council meeting if need be.  It’s our government, our future and the future of our children.  If others refer to us as ”dumbbells” for such a stand, just remember that sometimes that’s a good thing.

God Bless Carl

If you’re like me, you don’t ask for much from a store.  Just basic courtesy and once in a while a real person to answer questions.  Lately, though, it’s been really hard for me to find either, until I met a guy named Carl. 

Carl’s a working class guy who doesn’t even know he’s the subject of this blog.  Carl works for a company called Nationwide Vision as a guy who fits glasses on people’s faces.  He’s polite, very good at his craft (who knew there were such people), professional to a fault and would not let me walk out of that office wearing a poorly fitted pair of glasses.  Wow, where has such service gone? 

Take, for example, my former hair dresser.  She was superb at cutting my hair so I used to tip her a whopping $5.00 – and she never, ever uttered a word.  No “thank you”, no “you call that a tip”, no nothing.  That is, in part, why she’s my former hair dresser. 

I tipped my soon-to-be former barber $5.00 the other day and he didn’t thank me either or acknowledge that anything had even happened.  Perhaps $5.00 isn’t enough dough in today’s world.  But, since the haircut was $13.00 that means my tip was over 38%.  Holy Toledo, Batman.  Bet a lot of hard working waitresses would like a cut of that action.

Thus I raise folks like Carl as a “cause celeb” for all of us.  He wasn’t making any more money by conducting such a thorough fitting of my eye glasses.  His boss wasn’t watching.  I’m not famous or in a position to grant him political favors.  So what’s up with Carl?   

Maybe he works hard, treats others respectfully and is so courteous because it’s engrained in his value system.  Maybe he can’t, and wouldn’t, behave in any other way.  What a breath of fresh air.  I’m sure he has flaws, like you and me, but on this one day and in this one encounter he has shown me a better way. 

I’m grateful for all those men and women and boys and girls like him who remind us that even a simple ”thank you” or providing good service is still such a powerful, yet rare, blessing.  God, bless Carl.

Man Colors

We men have a very limited knowledge of color.  Red, green, blue and yellow.  Those are the colors of my childhood crayon box.  Maybe black, maybe white and of course brown. 

Brown’s a great Man Color.  Almost all my dress slacks were brown; at least until my girlfriend convinced me to buy new non-brown slacks.   

Green used to be my favorite Man Color but blue took over after I spent so much time in the Army.  

Boring though it may be, grey’s a Man Color too.  I think the historian, Josephus, said Jesus’ eyes were grey.  My dad’s eyes were grey, very pretty. 

Men don’t particularly like grey clothes but for some reason we sure wear an awful lot of them.  But you see, it doesn’t matter – because we know what grey is. 

Now here’s the danger to men and their Man Colors.   Almost overnight, most of us men don’t know what color anything is.  Chartruse.  Mauve.  Indigo.  Cerulean (Cerulean is in today’s Crayola 24 box, honest).  What are these?!  I can just hear myself saying “Oh look, honey, what a beautiful cerulean sport shirt”.  Good grief.     

But we men do understand a few of the newer colors.  For example, we understand aquamarine, eggplant and salmon – because they MEAN SOMETHING to us. 

We like the beach; that’s aquamarine.  We like to eat; that’s salmon.  We sort of like vegetables; that’s eggplant.  Well, not eggplant so much but we’ve probably seen one – someplace.       

So please, ladies, I beg you to use simple colors when addressing men.  Use Man Colors with us and someday we’ll  muster up the courage to go shopping with you – for something chartruse.   

Google for President

Since I’d not written this blog for some time, my friends and relatives were after me to write something; anything.  But, as I said, it’d been a very long time and, poof, I forgot what the web site was for this blog.  How could I write something without remembering the web site address?  Flash.  “I know!  I’ll Google it”. 

To Google.  To look up anything – ANYTHING.  You can look up your Aunt Nellie’s ancestors, the price of gelato in Rome, international currency rates, stuff on the CIA, and, to my astonishment, the web site for ”ThinkAmerican”.  So here I am again.  Is this a great country or what? 

This is why I’ve volunteered to chair the soon-to-be-announced “Google for President” campaign.  Hey, I’m serious.  Think about it.  What do you really want your American President to be able to do? 

Wouldn’t it be cool to have a President who knew everything and would thus make no mistakes?  Military success, low taxes, world-wide respect, all the food on earth for everyone available by simply asking Google how we do this stuff.  Very cool. 

If Google were President, none of us would have to spend all those years slaving away on homework and getting degrees we didn’t need in the first place.  We’d just Google our questions on multiple choice tests and even on professional licensure exams to end up with perfect scores.  A license on every wall in our spacious homes. 

All a person would ever have to do is know how to Google.  But surely, you say, there would be that idiot who just doesn’t know how to Google.  Not to worry.  We can allow for stupid people, you know.  Just Google it.  “What to do with people too stupid to Google”. 

I don’t know about you but I’m ready to move to the beach and forget all this civic responsibility stuff like listening to  Presidential Candidates drone on and on about war and taxes and getting out the vote.  Let’s elect someone who already knows all the answers.  Google for President.